“SATAN’S” PULL and My “Conundrum” Revisited.

Many years ago, again on my deck, I first came in contact with what probably were only God we’d all follow Him and everything would be hunkey-dorey and no challenge, no task, no material plane. There‘s also the yin/yang idea - that both are needed for the material plane to exist. This is to day, in that particular moment, it was perceptible to me that there is a downward pull. If God is upward, then the pull away from God is down. But I don’t get this like “Evil” (though I suppose it could be) - it can be as simple as sloth, fear, hesitation, self-indulgence, self-doubt, and all the various temptations. All those things which pull you away from the task you were put here for.........to become fully and truly yourself. So when I look at the my life at this moment, (and we’re back to the conundrum, of course, because that’s what a conundrum is) my question is: Is my desire to do something larger, more out-in-the-world, more all-consuming (whatever form it takes) a natural outgrowth of my path, my coming-into-full-Being? or a flight from the tasks at hand? Is my feeling I should just continue to do what I’m doing, but perhaps with a fuller heart - part of “Satan’s” pull on me? Sloth? Self-indulgence? Turning me away from my grander vision? Fear? Or a more mature and realistic way of pursuing my life?

When I work with people with similar questions, I always ask, “What is your habitual response to things?” My thought is that our habitual responses are connected to old ways of being, and the things we struggle with are part of new growth. (Astrologically, we look at the South Node and its connections as part of past behavior, and the North Node and its connections as the path for this lifetime, though you often do, and should, USE skills from the past toward your new goals.)

My habit is to run. From one thing, to another, to another. As each new interest (drumming, jewelry, weaving, singing, dance, furniture-making, working on my house) proves to require more work to become really proficient than time and patience I have available; as it doesn’t bring me the attention and recognition I crave, I run to the next thing which then becomes my new obsession. I would say the more recent political work is the first time I've gotten caught up in something that I have just done what I felt needed to be done and recognition was not the goal at all. (Conversely, of course, I got quite a bit of local recognition......or maybe it just felt like more because I wasn’t looking for it.)  I felt the evenness with which I did this work was part of the new non-ego-oriented way I was learning.

So again, the question is: does this huge desire to give all of myself to something, to be totally engrossed with team-mates in a large task of humanitarian significance of some sort - is this NECESSARY to my life-path? Or am I just running again?   As is my bent, I turn to my horoscope to understand myself:   My Sun in Scorpio brings me passion and obsessiveness, in the 10th house of my horoscope it is played out in The World, the public eye. Conjunct the MidHeaven - right at the top of the chart - it is the desire for public recognition and presence. My Sun - the described configuration - is opposed by Uranus, the revolutionary, the impulsive. And it is in good aspect (trine) to Saturn, the slow and patient. Recognition of this was what sent me back to grad school and a traditional occupation........which has worked very well for me, at least financially, and to a large degree in keeping with my natural Being, my interests, my caring for people, my desire to help - my Moon sign in Aquarius.

If I look to my South/North Node for help in understanding my “conundrum” - the South (the past) is in Cancer (home, family, children) and in the 6th house (work, employment.) So that is what I’ve made this life out of, too. Many years as a mother (a stretch of 33 years over 4 kids,) although I also worked at times and pursued my education. And then working with children, adults and families on a regular basis for the last 20 years. So my North Node (and I find myself hesitant to look at this) is in Capricorn (work, struggle, unearthing) in the 12th house (isolation, spirituality, the psyche.) I find it hard to interpret that - except it doesn’t sound very out-in-the-world or working with others. It sounds like what I’m doing now........working on others’ psyches (with a lot of mothering/parenting thrown in) and on my own.

And here I am at the moment, isolated in my home (though I rarely feel really isolated)........muddling about in my psyche, trying to figure myself out, as I have in various ways all my life. Is there anything about 12th house/Capricorn that suggests the larger world, or any of these prospects I look at for doing humanitarian work around the world? Capricorn is the 10th house sign......the world.......work.......career. But in the 12th house? I could imagine I might have some connection with a group doing work around the world where my part is to work at home on my computer......as I did answering emails from around the nation for the Kucinich website, during his campaign. But that is not EXACTLY what I crave. The 12th is self-sacrifice.......Hmmm.

I can of course ask God. And I have, but the answers I’ve gotten to the various parts of the question are very mixed, which usually tells me I don’t see the whole picture to know what to ask, yet.

So we’ll leave it at that for the moment. ...........as a Conundrum.