The Conundrum

So do I write in my new blog that at the end of a lovely day at home, with a little political “work” on the computer, and a walk in the wet leaves with the dogs, two reasonably good movies, a conversation w/ each of my daughters, and a good meal......that I STILL have that feeling: “is this ALL there is?” What is it I need that would feel Enough? I think all-engrossing work on a cause (an AIDS orphanage or school or social service scene where I LIVED with the people I work with and care for) would be enough. All-engrossing, that's my Scorpio sun. But I’m 69 yrs. old, not 29! How much energy can I keep putting out? Over time I have learned to pace myself; I have learned to deal with a lot of shit and just keep on trucking; I have learned not to let things GET to me - to just keep putting out the energy that flows through me, and not worry about the end-product; I have learned to do FOR what I’m doing for and not for me................... Would that get me through indefinitely? Just to stay in the flow....to keep moving.....to do what needs to be done..... To continually do, but not from a place of Doing, if that makes sense. To be in the place where Doing just flows through you effortlessly, like Being. And then hopefully my Aquarius Moon can also act to separate me from all that when I need renewal, replenishment. Well. The best thing is that I know whatever is mine will find me. “The crane does not have to stand on a high hill to find its young. The young hear its call and come,” (from the I Ching.) And I know what is Mine may be to stay right here and to struggle with this frustration..........to learn to make my home life “the well from which my work in the world will issue forth.” That would make the most sense. [My children would certainly prefer it.] In some ways I feel this lust to go somewhere else to find my life is just a running away from all the incomplete things here, from this reality [which was for 20 years a fantasy] to a new fantasy. Like running from a marriage to a new man. Perhaps I can find my passion here.........in the rainy nites, the beautiful snowfall, the wind in the trees, the sense of God all around me..............and let that carry me all the days and nites I’m home, until I’m called out into the world again. So that's the conundrum, and the answer.