Handout or Handup?

I had an nteresting discussion today with a local man about the concept of "giving to the poor" and dependency....a man who does a lot for his community.    The discussion of course goes - if you give people something they become dependent on a handout, they don't make effort for themselves, it encourages their dependency and slothfulness.

"What about the woman and children who suffer if the man of the household doesn't pull his weight - through absence, alcoholism, inability to hold a job?" 

"Well," he said, "she should leave him.  She is complicit if she stays with him." 

Oh - as a long time psychotherapist and case-worker - that brings up a mountain of explanations about a woman's perceived role (especially in this culture), absence of resources (especially if she doesn't have available extended family), the psychology of a woman abused or neglected in childhood and her perception of her worth and capability, and how a woman of any culture or ability stays "hooked" on a man who abuses or neglects her (another mountain of stories both famous and obscure come to mind). 

The story we are talking about is a woman in our project with two small children - intense, anxious, troublesome, emotional 7 y.o. Felipe, and his overly-quiet 4 year old sister.  They live in a dump.  The worst house (that I wouldn't let a good horse live in) of all the substandard houses of families in our project.  The mother speaks very little Spanish, doesn't read or write, works weaving small belts for which she receives the equivalent of $2.  They probably take 2 days to make.   The mom has a quick pleading smile, if you can get her to smile.   

I met the father once...when he came to the house while we were initiating tutoring (sitting outside on a stump with a piece of plywood to write on).  Felipe shrunk when his father came close.   The man wanted to impress me with what he knew but he criticized the work Felipe was doing.   This father is a drunk and violent, by reputation.  He is said to have torn the eyes out of another man.   That's violent.

I want Felipe to have a chance in our project.  I want them to have enough food to eat.  I want Felipe to go to school and have opportunities in the future.   He was a very troublesome kid when he first came to class - always bothering the other kids and getting them to react to him (usually hitting.)   I took him on - sticking with him during class, standing behind him and tapping his shoulders alternately when we stood in circle (a calming device, but also affection).  He has calmed and integrated more. He likes drawing and is getting better.   He also comes to me for touch.

The man I was speaking to - on this day when he came as part of a TV crew to interview our painters - said (in response to my question whether they could help with this woman's house since they actually pitch in an building one-room houses for desperate families) that noone would be willing to help them, because this man has land, and yet he has robbed so many people in town at one time or another.  "She could leave him," he repeated.  "She is complicit."

I ended up feeling it was in some ways an exchange of male/female points of view - his focussed on the father of the family who isn't executing his responsibilities and not wanting to aid and abet; mine focussed on the woman and children, who suffer therefrom, wanting to be sure they have enough to eat and are in school....wanting them to feel cared about.