The Day of the New Year

I prayed long and hard last nite for direction, and realized I don't really need to know, I just need to stay close to God.......and my steps will be guided. I can remember being carried during the campaign and the organization of the successful fundraising nite; I know what that feels like.
So that felt relieving. With the cancellation of my private practice ad, and putting in notice on my office........certain baby steps are being taken, and my anxiety about it has returned.
So this morning I am lighting my fire and pull yet another request for contributions out of the paper trash bag..... I have hated it that if I follow my own desire to help personally it will mean that I can't make the money I have been to be able to give some away. So lately I've been tossing them in the trash. But this request's from Drs. w/o Borders, one of my favorites. So I open it and read about refugees in Darfur and Colombia. And once again, wonder what I'm doing. Going to Guatemala...or at any rate Antigua...seems too "cushy," not "hard-hitting" enough.
I want to help the children "of the basura" - whose parents work in the city dump in Guate. Is that not enough?
What is enough? What is this need to help?
My sister and daughters query me: do I have to help everyone in the world?
My answer is that if each of us says "not me" - then who does it?
If something falls to my hand to do, and I step away..........then who does it?
I don't think everyone has to "go help" (although I wish everyone would pick a favorite charity or two and send $25 a month!) But I am alone in the world; my kids are grown; I am 70. I'm in a position to go do something.
And I am told that in Antigua there is Drs. W/o Borders, Amnesty Int'l and many other NGOs. Perhaps going there is just a start.
And if nothing else, I will put this urge to rest, if I go there and learn something about what that's all about.
Who are the people who do this work? Are these NGO's honest and "for real?" Do we really help? And HOW does one help?
For all my naivete' I see things pretty clearly; I think I will learn a lot.
And about myself, of course, I will learn a lot.
I think I am pretty divested of personal fantasies: I know I'm hard-working and dedicated. I know I need to be hedonistic at times. I know I can be strong and dynamic, or wimpy and hesitant. I know about my need to be loved and needed, and how to keep track of that and not let it take over my objectivity. I've learned a lot in all these years of social work and counseling, maybe especially about myself.
And I'm not going to save the world. But I might find a place where my contributions make a difference, where there are like-minded people, an organization that is really doing what it says it does, and of course always a bunch of little wonderful cantankerous, mixed-up, sweet kids. Which is what is really is about.
But I hope I can do some training, too..........so I leave a little behind.

I keep thinking I have to have a good reason to change my life like this, drop a good job, leave my friends. That I have to justify it.
But I think it's really just that I want to do it.

Day of the New Year musings.